While taking a break from a few games of pool at a bar in Pattaya, Thailand, I’m watching some ladies of the night stationed across the street working on their craft. I can’t help but notice the parallels between prostitution in Pattaya and the African animal kingdom. Between Animal Planet, Discovery channel, and National Geographic, I’ve watched enough footage of the African Serengeti to notice the similarities. In the world of hookerdom in Pattaya you’ll find apex predators, scavengers, seasonal highs & lows, and great migrations. I’ll explain the animals first and then move on to the seasons and migratory patterns.

I don’t know how Pattaya came to be home to such a massive sex industry but at one point the conditions were ripe and it grew from there. The line isn’t always clearly drawn but I’ve noticed that typically there are two types of girls. Here you will find practically an unlimited supply of scavenger and apex predator prostitutes. The scavenger girls are just like they sound, they feed on leftovers and the leftovers aren’t pretty. The leftovers include but aren’t limited to the poor, ridiculously old, morbidly obese, and smelly Indians. That is because, well, they themselves are not very pretty. With an abundant supply of girls, competition is fierce and these girls just don’t have what it takes to go up against the apex predators. Scavengers can be young or old. Common traits are obesity, jacked up teeth, misaligned facial structure, unibrow, inability to communicate, or just plain crazy.

For purposes of this observation, obesity is a relative term. Obesity here is completely different from obesity in America. On the average, males and females in Thailand are much thinner than their American counterparts. A girl here that would be considered average sized in America is actually considered to be on the thicker side in Thailand. Rarely do you see a girl that looks like she’s packing enough meat in the freezer to make the cut for a Snoop Dogg video (I think he’s Snoop Lion now but you get the idea). Typically the men here are looking for the thin legs and tight frame that is common among Asian girls.

Many times you’ll find a girl with a great body that so many farangs (foreigners) lust for. You’ll fall in love with her beautiful exotic face but as soon as she cracks a smile you notice that prominent affliction I call the Gator Grill. Yes, it’s sad to see her teeth are so jacked up it looks like she could tear through a soup can or that pesky plastic packaging small electronics come in.

One aspect that prevents girls from establishing themselves higher up the prostitute pyramid is the ability to communicate. Some girls don’t speak a word of English and that skill by itself has a tremendous effect on the amount of tricks they can turn and price they can charge. Yes, there are plenty of cavemen that strolling down Walking Street that could care less what any girl has to say. They’ve got one track minds and all they’re looking for is a piece of meat to ravage. The knuckle draggers represent only a portion of potential customers. There are lots of guys that like to relax, have a drink, and discuss the quandaries of their lives. To them, working girls act as filthy little therapists. If a girl can’t speak English she loses a lot of potential customers as well as the opportunity to negotiate a premium price.

The scavengers certainly don’t do as well as the apex predators. These hyenas with their awkward movements, spine tingling voices, and ominous smiles rove for scraps or wait like bridge trolls for an equally retched looking customer to wander by.  Watching them walk away with the customers they do catch can be really uncomfortable. This is when you see huge disparities in age and/or size.  A common sight in Pattaya is what appears to be a 90-year-old man who escaped from hospice holding on tight to his prized possession, an 18-year-old Asian girl. The other couple you might see is the ugliest guy in the world with a weight problem to match, waddling down the street (wishing he had a scooter chair) flaunting a tiny 98 lb woman. She could easily be crushed if she were to be the unfortunate victim of a rollover. A rollover being similar to when a mother sleeps with an infant and accidentally smothers it when she unknowingly rolls over in her sleep.

The apex predators, the lions, are the girls who hunt their prey with precision, stealth, and ferocity. They are built to take down big game and earn big pay with beauty, elegance, and power that is unmatched in the hooker kingdom. Some girls run alone bust most work in small packs of 3-6. Many bars in Pattaya sport prides who’s numbers swell well into double digits during the metaphorical rainy season.  Not only do they have looks that will make a man sweat, they have the wits to melt his heart as well. Men travel from the ends of the earth to Pattaya because these exotic creatures don’t exist in their home countries or they would never have a shot at mating with one.

The sad fact is these girls are such skilled hunters not because of their unrivaled beauty, but because they start at such an early age. Many girls start criminally young and quickly hone their skills. By the time they reach 18 years of age they are seasoned veterans making kills with ease for many years before having to worry about their looks fading.  As with the African Serengeti, life in Pattaya for the ladies of the night is feast or famine.

Rain is the fruit of life for animals on the Serengeti as money is the fruit of life for the scarlet harlots of Pattaya. Throwing cash at women is called making it rain and every year from November to March thousands upon thousands of whore mongers descend on this modern Sodom and Gomorrah and flood the city with cash. Men from all over the world leave their depressing jobs and families at home to enjoy the finest quality guilty pleasures for prices so low their biggest complaint is not having enough time to enjoy the sultry delights. This time of year is actually known as the dry season because of the lower amounts of precipitation but when the unit of measurement is switched to money it’s like a category 5 hurricane of Thai baht filling call girl coffers to the brim. This seasonal fluctuation in “tourism” triggers the great land of smiles migration.

Not every red light girl lives in Pattaya year round nor do they work in the “tourism” industry year round either. The making it rain season does not coincide with the actual rainy season. During the summer months when actual rainfall is heavy but the river beds of cash for sex dry up, lots of girls leave Pattaya and travel many miles back home to the northern provinces to work on their families’ rice farms. That’s right, Thai hookers are like crab fisherman (no pun intended) in Alaska, they fish only in season.  According to www.pattayacity.com there may be around 300,000 people living in Pattaya  at any given time but this number may grow to over 500,000 during peak season.

So tonight the pickens are slim, the scavengers and lions will most likely go hungry. Fear not, there are whore monger clouds on the horizon and soon life will thrive in Pattaya for another cycle.